What Are You Really Saying to Yourself? 5 Everyday Phrases That Reveal What You Truly Need
Have you ever been in a room with a low hum in the background—like an appliance or air conditioner—that you didn’t notice at first? But then, when someone points it out, you can’t stop hearing it. It’s distracting, constant, and kind of irritating.
What do you hear in the background of your life? Sometimes, the things we say to ourselves are like that background hum. They’re easy to ignore or dismiss until someone helps us hear them differently.
If you listen closely to yourself, what will you hear? Not just the polished words you say to others, but the quiet whispers (or loud shouts) that slip out when you’re tired, frustrated, or overwhelmed? It’s only when we tune in—when we really listen—that we can understand what those words are trying to tell us.
Those words often hold clues to what’s really going on beneath the surface. They reveal the unmet needs, unspoken desires, and misaligned values that can leave us feeling stuck, stretched, or dissatisfied.
Here are some things I’ve heard women say—and the emotions or experiences those words might reflect. Do any of these sound familiar to you?
1. "It is what it is."
At first glance, this phrase seems harmless, even practical. But when I hear it, I wonder if it’s masking a sense of resignation. Or maybe a sense of helplessness, a belief that nothing can change, and a feeling that you’re stuck with whatever life throws your way? If so, the deeper truth might be a need for hope or agency—the sense that you can shape your life in meaningful ways.
Maybe you’re facing a situation that seems beyond your control, or you’ve settled into routines that no longer serve you. While there’s wisdom in accepting what we can’t change, it’s important to recognize where resignation has replaced hope or possibility, and to see where we still have power to make changes.
2. Sighing
Sometimes, it’s not even words—it’s a heavy sigh, an exhale full of exhaustion or frustration. That sound says a lot. Sighing can be a reflexive release of tension, but when it becomes frequent, it’s often a sign that you’re carrying too much.
How often do you sigh each day, and what tends to be the reason? Maybe it’s a signal of overwhelm or a sign that you’re carrying more than feels manageable. Whether it’s physical exhaustion from overcommitting or emotional weariness from unresolved stress, your sighs might be asking for rest, boundaries, or support.
3. "As soon as..."
This one’s tricky because it sounds optimistic: As soon as things calm down, I’ll take that trip. As soon as the kids are older, I’ll focus on my health. As soon as I finish this big project, I’ll start writing that book. But when I hear it, I hear something deeper: life feels too full right now.
"As soon as…" often reflects a sense of deferred living—the belief that someday, conditions will improve enough to make space for what matters most. But here’s the hard truth: life rarely slows down on its own. That elusive "someday" may never arrive unless you create it. The real need might be for permission—to prioritize yourself, set boundaries, or start small, right now, instead of waiting for perfect conditions.
4. Yelling, sniping, or sarcasm
These aren’t fun to admit, but most of us have been there. When anger bubbles over into our words, it’s often because something deeper is at play.
What are some of the reasons that your anger tends to spill over? Maybe a value you hold dear is being ignored, a core need is going unmet, or you feel that your efforts aren’t being recognized or valued. Beneath the surface, it might reflect a need for connection, appreciation, or balance.
5. "I wish my life was my own."
This one stops me in my tracks every time. It’s such an honest reflection of stress and yearning. It’s the voice of someone who feels like their life is dominated by others’ needs, schedules, or expectations. The deeper truth might be a need for autonomy—the chance to make choices that align with your values and desires, rather than being pulled in a hundred directions.
This powerful phrase reveals a longing for balance or a deeper connection to your true self. It’s a sign that something feels out of alignment, whether it’s the way you spend your time, the priorities you’re juggling, or the life you’re living compared to the one you envision.
The “Listen, Learn, Lead” Approach
So, what do we do with these signals? Ignoring them often leads to more frustration, burnout, or dissatisfaction. Instead, try the “Listen, Learn, Lead” approach:
1. Listen: Tune Into Your Words and Emotions
The first step is awareness. Pay attention to what you’re saying and how you’re feeling. Are certain phrases or reactions becoming patterns? What emotions arise when you hear yourself speak?
Try this exercise: Try to listen to yourself more closely and pay attention to the phrases and sounds you express (whether out loud or just in your head). Pause to notice what you said and what you are feeling. If you can, make a note of your words and emotions – in a journal or even a phone app.
Review these reflections at the end of the day and week and note any patterns. Awareness is the first step toward change.
2. Learn: Understand the Deeper Meaning
Once you’ve identified the patterns, ask yourself: What is this really about? Here are some journaling prompts to help you dig deeper:
When I say, “It is what it is,” what am I accepting that feels unchangeable? Is that true?
What’s behind my sighs? What do I need more of (or less of) in my life?
When I think about the “as soon as” statements I’ve made, what am I postponing? How can I bring some of that into my life now?
What’s the root of my anger or sarcasm? What boundary, value, or need is being crossed or ignored?
What would it mean for my life to feel like my own? What would that look or feel like?
3. Lead: Take a Small, Intentional Step
The final step is action. You don’t need to overhaul your life overnight, but you can start to make small changes that align with your needs and values. Here are a few examples:
If resignation is the issue, choose one small thing you can change. It might be as simple as rearranging your schedule to make room for something you love.
For exhaustion, set a boundary or carve out time for rest—even if it’s just 10 minutes of quiet in your day.
If you keep waiting for “the perfect time” or “things to calm down,” identify one small action you can take today to bring a bit of joy or progress to your life.For anger, practice self-compassion and communicate your feelings or needs to someone you trust.
If you’re yearning for more, take one step toward reconnecting with yourself, whether it’s revisiting an old hobby, spending time in reflection, or exploring what truly matters to you.
Moving Toward a More Fulfilling Life
These small steps can lead to big shifts over time. When you listen to yourself with curiosity and compassion, you begin to uncover what you truly need and value. And when you take action in alignment with those needs and values, life starts to feel more intentional, joyful, and fulfilling.
Ready to Explore What Matters Most?
If you’re ready to dig deeper, my free Needs and Values Assessment is a great place to start. This simple tool can help you identify what’s most important to you—and where your life might be out of alignment. Download it today and take the first step toward creating a life that feels truly your own.
Because you deserve more than sighs, frustration, or resignation. You deserve a life that reflects who you are and what matters most to you.
Let’s begin.
Like this blog?
Sign up to get new posts delivered directly to your inbox!