“Let your ‘yes’ mean ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ mean ‘no.’” (Matt 5:37)  I’ve been thinking about writing a blog about the challenges of those two seemingly simple words – yes and no – for a few weeks.  So it was not really a surprise for me to hear that line from the Gospel of Matthew at Mass on Sunday.  God has a way of nudging me and winking at me when I’m dragging my feet.

And I was definitely dragging my feet.  You see, while I observe the power and importance of “yes” and “no” all the time with my clients, I know that I struggle sometimes to decisively make (and stand by) my own yes’s and no’s.

What do I mean by “yes’s and no’s?”  Simply put, our choices, especially the ones that are important and meaningful.  With whom will I spend time?  What is important for me to do at work?  How do I maintain a rhythm of self-care?  What will I tolerate?  What areas will I focus on in business?  Your questions may be different, but I’ve no doubt that you have a bunch too.

We can’t do it all.  We can’t be all things to all people.  Nor are we supposed to.  If I believe that each of us were created for a particular purpose (and I do), then I have to believe that we’re invited to focus on the values, people and activities that help us use our unique strengths and live our purpose.  In short, I need to say yes to some things, and no to others.  Herein lies the challenge:  LEADING my life (instead of just living it) means that I need to discern to what (and when) to say yes, and to what (and when) to say no. 

So which word do you struggle with more? 

Maybe fear often gets the better of you, and so saying “yes” can be tough.  Yes can lead us into the deep water of vulnerability, risk, and unknowing.  Saying yes to a new invitation requires courage, openness, and trust.  Yes sometimes means that we need to lean into the stuff in our lives that is hard, painful, or draining.  For example, saying yes to caregiving requires strength, patience, and perseverance.  Yes is hard.

Maybe fear of a different kind makes “no” harder for you.  No takes some options off the table and forces us to narrow down and commit.  Saying no to some options requires courage and steadfastness.  No can result in having others be disappointed or upset.  Saying no to others’ requests or demands requires strength of character and commitment to one’s own needs and values.  No is hard, too.

Yes and no are like yin and yang.  They are dualities, but swirled together, each one pushing the other.  Every decision – yes or no – will move us toward another decision point.  And each side includes some of the other.  Every yes implies one or more no’s.  Every no points to a yes. 

An important mentor of mine shared this with me years ago, and I’ve tried to remember it when facing those moments of decision:  “It’s easier to say no when you have a bigger yes.” 

What does this mean for me?  It brings me back to my real self, my bring, and the foundation of my life – things like my needs, values, strengths, priorities.  When I start to feel confused or overwhelmed by multiple pressures or options, I go back to the bigger yes’s that I’ve already figured out.  For me, that’s documents like my purpose statement (thanks Stephen Covey and nXu), my Principle and Foundation (thanks, St. Ignatius of Loyola), and my REALIFE View document (thanks, REALIFE Process).  These short statements or documents center me and ground me, and offer “true North” in my life.  They are not a map or turn-by-turn directions, and they don’t give an easy answer to the question of the day (or the hour), but they are a compass that remind me of the direction that I’ve set and the decisions (bigger yes’s) that I’ve already made about how I want to live my life.

Re-centering on WHY I exist and WHO I am makes it easier to begin to figure out WHAT I want or need to do.  (Yes, Simon Sinek’s “Start with Why” applies to people too, not just organizations.)  Next, figuring out the “top level” yes’s for the WHAT and HOW of my life can offer a direction or perspective when I’m perplexed with a more specific what and how question.  It really is like a funnel or flowchart, and I find that it is easier for me to “let my ‘yes’ mean ‘yes’ and my ‘no’ mean ‘no’” when I can trace the path back and connect the no to a bigger, more fundamental yes. 

Maybe a couple of examples will help.  I was recently planning to attend an out of town conference which happened to be taking place in a city where my cousin had recently relocated.  (Bonus!  I can save money on lodging!)  When deciding when to fly home, however, I had to weigh the options.  I could opt for leaving the meeting early, right after my second workshop, which would allow me to get two full days of work done at home that week – a big help since I knew there was a large workload to be tackled.  Or I could stay an extra day, which would allow me to be more fully present to anyone at the meeting who might want to talk more, and to spend more time with my cousin who I rarely see.  What gets the yes, and what (or who) gets the no?

It's not simple math.  But returning to my “core documents” reminded me of a few things.  It’s true that one of my top needs is productivity, but another is to be balanced or centered.  My family is a key area of focus in my life, and it’s important to me to offer them love and presence.  My work is also an important piece of life, and I am committed to growing my business by focusing on building and strengthening intentional relationships.  As I traced back to my bigger yes’s, the decision to say no to the earlier flight back became easier.

A second example:  A client of mine had been struggling with making progress on a goal.  She thought that the progress was impeded by her mindset, and we’ve had some productive coaching sessions about that.  But between sessions, as she spent more time considering her life and her own areas of focus, she realized that she might just not have space and time for working on that goal right now and that her own self-care and other priorities would suffer.  She allowed herself a ”trial no.”  She imagined herself saying “no” to that goal, and as she did, she said “it was as if all these locks opened up.”  She recognized her bigger yes, and it made saying no (or “not now”) to that goal easier.  And in fact, her no seems to have “unlocked” a greater yes within her. 

What about you?

What are some of your biggest yes’s?

What’s a time you’ve said no, and what did that allow in your life?

How might “tracing back to your bigger yes” change the way you’re responding to a current challenge in your life?

What might help you to “let your ‘yes’ mean ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ mean ‘no?’”

What impact might that have on your daily life? 

(Notice that you can’t just answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to any of THESE questions!)