What images come to mind when you hear the term “self-care?”

So I’m working hard to change the pattern in myself, and I thought you might like to join me.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who struggles with this. In fact, I’ve noticed something interesting over the past year. As I’ve shared the REALIFE Process this year - with individual clients, in group coaching, through presentations - I’ve noticed a common theme emerge. It shows up with different wording each time, but the essence is the same:

“How do I prioritize myself without feeling guilty?”

It can arise from almost any of the components of the REALIFE Process. For example::

• Component 1: Needs and Values, or Areas of Focus/priorities - How can I care for my own needs and priorities without guilt?

• Component 2: Projects - Isn’t it vanity to spend so much time on a project for my own self-care?

• Component 3: Time management - Am I allowed to spend time every day in self-care and soul care?

• Component 4: Rest, Renew, Review - I’d feel so guilty resting or doing things to renew myself!

Whether you are familiar with the REALIFE Process or not, I’m sure these questions resonate with you, and probably even sound familiar… like you’ve heard them (or versions of them) echoing in your own head.

What’s the question or thought that evokes guilt in you and stops you from practicing healthy self-care?

Healthy self-care

Notice the focus of that last question: healthy self-care. What does “healthy self-care” mean to you? For me, it’s tending to what I need to show up as the best “Kathy” I can be. That includes physical care, mental health, social/emotional connection, personal and professional development, and spiritual growth.

I think the examples are different for each person, but here’s some of mine to get you started on your own list:

• Standing up from my desk periodically to stretch

• Taking a quick walk around the neighborhood when my head is “loud”

• Spending 2 minutes to do a breathing exercise when I’m feeling stressed

• Exercising for 30 minutes most weekday mornings

• Spending time in prayer every morning

• Taking a shower every day

• Making sure to pause and get away from my desk for lunch

• Planning meals in advance so that our dinners are healthier than take-out

• Scheduling (and going to!) doctor and dentist appointments: annual check ups, recommended testing, follow ups, etc.

• Getting my hair cut every 5 weeks or so

• Getting a chiropractic adjustment every 3 weeks or so

• Meeting with my spiritual director every 5 weeks or so

• Reading a novel for at least 15 minutes before bed

• Investing in learning new things in my profession

• Listening to podcasts that inspire or inform me

• Carving out time to visit with friends

• Taking time to review my past week and plan the coming week in advance each weekend

I thought about listing these in different categories, but I realized that for me, so many of them overlap. Does doing a breathing exercise belong in physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual? Yes. Are exercise and healthy eating examples of physical or spiritual care? Both. There may be primary categories for my healthy self-care activities, but as I try to live an integrated, abundant life of wholeness, I see and feel lots of overlap.

What kinds of things are on your list? Go ahead, make the list. I’ll wait…

Ask a better question…

Let’s return to that question about guilt, some version of “How can I do this without feeling guilty?” This question makes me feel trapped, and when a question leads to feeling trapped, I think it’s time to change the question. (Jesus did this all the time, so I feel pretty good about following that pattern.)

I’d like to suggest some different questions:

• What could practicing healthy self-care do for you?

• Who would it allow you to be?

• How would it impact how you show up for others?

I don’t know what opens up for you when you consider those questions, but when I realize that self-care helps me show up as a better version of myself and helps me (hopefully) maintain myself for a longer, more fulfilling life, I start to see it as a great and smart choice, not an indulgent, guilty pleasure.

When I remember that healthy self-care allows me to serve others better - as my best self and without resentment, the guilt really dissipates.

When I remind myself that my needs are as important as everyone else’s, I’m better at creating and sticking to boundaries that allow me to tend to those needs.

When I reframe the question of “Isn’t that just indulging myself?” to “How do I need to tend to myself?” I see self-care from a different perspective.

Sanity, not vanity

That different perspective is realizing that self-care is really an example of sanity, not vanity. Let’s look at some definitions: (thanks, Merriam-Webster and Dictionary.com)

Vanity:

• excessive pride in one's appearance, qualities, abilities, achievements, etc.;

• character or quality of being vain; conceit:

• inflated pride in oneself or one's appearance;

• something that is vain, empty, or valueless

When I look over my list of self-care activities, they sure don’t sound like excessive or inflated pride to me, and I know without a doubt that they are not empty or useless.

Sanity:

• the ability to think and behave in a normal and rational manner; sound mental health

• the quality or state of being sane, especially soundness or health of mind

• soundness of judgment

I think it’s normal and rational to want to be our best selves. It’s sound judgment to choose to do what we can to preserve the fullness of our health (physical, mental, spiritual, etc.) so that we can serve others better and longer.

Let me take that one step further with this paradox: Rather than taking time away from my life and work (and hindering productivity), my healthy self-care practices actually allow me and fuel me to be more productive - in healthy and aligned ways. Choosing to do the things that help me be productive and whole sounds incredibly sane (even wise!) to me.

I’m hoping that new thoughts about self-care are starting to take hold in your mind. But just in case you need one more “boost” to help you embrace a new perspective…

WWYBFS?

Don’t know that acronym?

When in doubt, ask yourself “What Would Your Best Friend Say?” I’m willing to bet that your dearest friend would look at you with love and compassion and say, “Hey, it’s not just “ok” for you to do this, it’s great. It’s needed. It’s healthy. Give yourself this gift!” (And if that’s not the answer you’d get, you might want to think about getting a new best friend. Just sayin’...)

What do you think?

It’s your turn:

What do you now see and understand about self-care?

What is still a challenge for you related to self-care?

What one (tiny) action of self-care will you take today?

I’d love to continue the conversation, so send me an email or leave a comment!

P.S.  One last thing: Lest you think I've got self-care totally nailed, let me assure you that I'm right there with you on the journey.  I'm proud of the practices I've been able to (mostly) integrate, but in the interest of full transparency, I've always got a list of things that are not being tended to, like:

• the pain in my shoulder/neck that is craving regular massage therapy

• the pain in my knee that I keep ignoring

• the nights I’m up way too late finishing the project that is up against a deadline

• a tendency to choose work over rest and renew on weekends and evenings (it’s a constant battle)

I don’t let these things spark negative self-talk, however. I just look at them as "next things to get to” and I trust that I’ll get to them, all in God’s timing!