Raise your hand if your parents, grandparents, or Sunday School teachers engrained in you the Golden Rule?

“Treat others as you would want to be treated.”  “Do unto others as you would have done unto you.”  Regardless of the exact wording you learned and prefer, the premise of this “rule for living” is found in the tenets of most major religions and belief systems.  And it’s a good one.  It implies reciprocity, generally extends respect and care for others, and is a foundation for moral behavior. 

However, the more I work with individuals and teams, and the more I use personal development tools like CliftonStrengths, the more I see that the Golden Rule isn’t enough, at least not from the perspective of servant leadership. 

Forgive me if I’m stating the obvious, but treating others as I want to be treated assumes that you all want to be treated the same way I do.  It assumes that you all desire the same things, value the same things, process information the same way, respond to stimuli the same way.  It assumes that you see the world the same way that I do and have the same preferences. 

There’s a couple of major problems with those assumptions:

1)     They put me first, not others.

2)    They’re just not true.

Servant leadership is all about putting the needs of others above my own wants, desires, or comfort.  With my Christian faith background, I look to Jesus Christ as the ultimate example of a servant leader – one who sacrificed for the good of others.  He washed the feet of his disciples to remind us of the importance of serving others.  He gave up his life because of his love for us.  Servant leadership is being willing to die (if not literally, then figuratively die to self, to my wants or preferences) so that others can live.

If I want to be a servant leader who puts others’ needs first, then I really need to know what their needs are.  If I want to sacrifice so that others can have life, it will help if I know what brings them life.  Which brings me to the revision of the Golden Rule… the Platinum Rule.

“Treat others as THEY wish to be treated.”

The fact of the matter is that we all wish, and often need, to be treated uniquely, based on who we are, our strengths, and our values.  For example, one of my top CliftonStrengths is Achiever.  I like to have a to-do list, even on the weekend.  The weekend list might not be filled with work/business tasks, but it’s a task list nonetheless, and I’m motivated to cross things off that list.  If I followed the Golden Rule with my husband, and treated him as I want to be treated, I’d lovingly give him a to-do list every Friday night.  Instead, I’ve chosen to stay married.  Chris doesn’t have that same drive or need.  His needs are actually quite different (perhaps some would say “normal” but let’s just move on).  He needs more quiet, peace, and unstructured relaxation on the weekends in order to wind down from one workweek and prepare for the next.  So if I want to be a servant leader in my family, I’m challenged to approach him with an eye toward his needs and treat him as he wishes to be treated.

Consider your own examples.  Your boss prefers to communicate in one style.  You prefer another.  How will you approach your next interaction?  Your best friend needs a lot of verbal affirmation and encouragement.  You tend to give praise genuinely, but sparingly.  How will you respond in your next conversation?

The Platinum Rule doesn’t mean that I act in a way that is inauthentic.  It might, however, mean that I need to stretch outside of my own comfort zone to show care for another.  It doesn’t mean that I need to become a doormat for others, always giving up my legitimate needs, but it does invite me to consider my true needs from my wants.  More importantly, it reminds me to deeply consider what another person needs, what they prefer, and what helps them to be at their best.

After all, isn’t that how we’d want others to treat us?