Eww.  Did I just use the s-word in a blog title?  Who talks about shame??  I do.  Or at least I’m trying to.  And I’ll admit that it’s more than a little uncomfortable.  But I’m trying to share content with you that I think will actually matter to you, so I’m pushing myself to lean into the vulnerable spaces and lead the way into the deeper work of living an authentic, abundant life.  It’s work which is good but sometimes hard.  However, I know that I’m not doing it alone – and neither are you.  So let’s dive in together!

I’ve talked before about how we’re all wired differently.  One of the ways that this unique wiring shows up in our lives is in our needs:  the things we must have in order to feel safe, grounded and satisfied.  Now, of course, there are basic human needs that ALL of us require.  We can debate exactly what goes on this list, but things like sustenance, shelter, and love count in this category.  However, I’m not talking about the stuff we have in common.  I’m talking about the needs we have that differ, or differ in degrees, and help to make us distinct from one another. 

For example, my top unique needs are to be centered, to be liked, to be chosen, to be productive, and to have order and clarity.  In my work, I’ve coached people whose needs have included things like achievement, certainty, comfort, duty, integrity, peace, recognition, safety, and more.  And what I see more and more is how those core needs really shape us into unique humans. 

Our needs filter our view of the world and our view of our lives.  For example, my need to be productive means that I approach nearly everything in life with an underlying question of “OK, what needs to be done here?”  Weekends feel better to me when I have a plan and I get a bunch of stuff done. 

But I’ll be honest that I like some of my needs more than others.  I am perfectly happy with my needs for centeredness/balance, productivity, and order.  They make sense, I see how they drive me, I know how to fulfill them.  But then there are those needs to be liked and to be chosen - I’m definitely not as comfortable with them.  I was admitting to some of this with a friend last summer when he responded, “Of course those needs are uncomfortable. They bring up our vulnerabilities.”  There it was. 

I quickly realized that the first three needs are ones that I can more or less fulfill on my own.  Other people impact them, but they are largely in my domain.  Being liked and chosen however – that’s another matter entirely.  I don’t have control over those.  I’m at risk – vulnerable – of not having those fulfilled, and not feeling safe, grounded and satisfied in life. 

When I don’t feel liked or chosen, I am insecure, I feel uncomfortable, and I don’t respond with ease or generosity.  I usually end up trying too hard or withdrawing.  None of these thoughts, feelings or behaviors are me at my best.

And to complicate matters even further is the fact that I can judge some of my needs as “acceptable” and others as “unacceptable, not allowed.” (Now we get to our friend, shame.)  I can fall into a trap of believing, “It’s OK to have needs – just not THOSE needs.”  I can start telling myself that as a good Christian, I shouldn’t need to be liked or chosen; after all, Jesus was often not liked and certainly experienced rejection.  And I can feel ashamed for wanting – needing – those things. 

What helps break that cycle of vulnerability, judgment, and shame?

I think it’s true that the need (or needs) we feel shame around is the need we need to do work around.  That work might be journaling or self-reflection, it might be honest conversation with a coach, friend, or spiritual director who can hold space for us and ask good questions, or in some cases it might be some form of therapy or counseling. 

My work is in progress.  But I’m learning the value of bringing things into the light and giving voice to things that have been silent.  I’m breaking the cycle of vulnerability, judgment, and shame by choosing a cycle of naming, accepting and freedom.

I’ve found a significant amount of freedom from naming ALL of my needs.  After all, trying to squash that need to be liked wasn’t making it go away.  In fact, trying to repress it usually just made me act out in ways that were not me at my best!  Instead, by acknowledging those “unacceptable needs,” I am able to more quickly understand why certain situations make me uncomfortable or upset, and I’m able to choose with greater freedom about how to respond, hopefully in a healthier, more positive way.  Naming the need actually allows me to create a little distance from it and see it more clearly and fully; repressing it only drove it deeper inward where it was hard to see and hard to understand. 

I’m able to accept that these needs are part of how I’m created and how I’m unique.  God created me, knows me intimately, and loves me unconditionally.  Remembering that God wired me with these needs frees me from judgment and shame about them.  Accepting my needs also helps me understand and accept that there will be times when one (or more) of my needs won’t be or can’t be met.  And it helps me be more grateful for the times when that need IS met.

What about you?

What are some of your unique needs?  How do you see those needs showing up in your life?  How do your needs get met through your daily life?

And which, if any, of your needs bring up some discomfort, vulnerability, or shame?  What helps you through that?

If you’re struggling to answer any of these questions, I invite you to join us on Wednesday, June 21 for “Having Needs without Being Needy.”  You’ll get an assessment to help you name your needs, and some ideas about how to begin that process of naming, accepting and finding freedom for yourself. Knowing our needs unlocks so much power and potential in us.  I’d really love to give you that key.