Coping Better
Today is World Mental Health Day, and in recognition of this important topic, I’m excited to share a guest blog from my friend, Samantha Stefaniak. Mental health is something we all deal with, but we don’t always know where to begin when it comes to taking care of it. That’s why I love this blog—it’s filled with practical, easy-to-try tips that won’t make you feel overwhelmed.
4 Coping Strategies that Actually Make You Feel Worse and What to Do Instead
Important starting note: The goal of this blog post is not to read it and feel badly about yourself because you’ve become stuck in unhelpful coping habits. It’s to simply acknowledge and notice just one or two habits that you want to intentionally work on changing. We know that engaging in an alternative, more helpful or healthy activity will ultimately lead us to experiencing a more vibrant, fulfilling life.
So take a deep breath, and then simply acknowledge, reflect, and admit: Which of these habits bothers me or impacts me negatively the most? Start with that one. You don’t have to overhaul your daily habits here. Pick one and experiment!
1. Procrastinating on Important Tasks
We all do it, but why? Usually as a way to cope with feelings of overwhelm, fear that comes with decision paralysis, and a lack of energy or motivation. When we feel overwhelmed, we shut down and end up giving up on whatever task we were trying to perform.
Eventually, we have to do the thing though, right? In these moments, it is often helpful to take a break for a few minutes and come back with a new lens through which you can view the situation.
Here’s one way to do so: Pretend you’re a scientist looking at a problem objectively. What is the problem that needs to be solved?
Give a hypothesis about the root cause of that problem. (e.g., “I don’t feel like I have the energy to do it” or “I give up and don’t even start because it feels overwhelming”)
Brainstorm 5-10 ways the problem could be solved based on that hypothesis. Some examples:
I could break the task down into smaller time intervals and list out exactly what needs to be done in each time interval so it doesn’t seem so overwhelming.
I could reward myself for completing the activity.
I could listen to music or make the activity more fun and less dreadful.
Even if I’m not sure where to start, I’ll pick a place and just do it without overthinking it.
Test your hypothesis to see if any of your potential solutions worked. If not, what got in the way? Did it really require too much energy from you? Maybe you need to engage in some restorative activities and self-care before you can successfully get the thing done.
2. Eating Junk Food to Cope with Stress
This is incredibly common and for good reason - eating savory or sweet comfort foods releases dopamine, a pleasure hormone in your brain. When we are stressed, we seek pleasure to combat the influx of cortisol and adrenaline. Knowing this, we can plan ahead to either have healthier snacking options available to us if we are truly hungry or to have a list of replacement activities we can do that also release dopamine.
Alternative coping ideas:
Mindful eating: Consume your food slowly and intentionally, maintaining singular focus on the task instead of multitasking, observing all of the sensations of eating. (There are mindful eating scripts on the internet.)
Sunlight: Spend time outdoors and be intentional about the way the sun feels on your skin. It can feel glorious if you let it! Think about how you feel taking in the rays on the beach.
Cuddling: This can work with a person you love or an animal or even an inanimate object such as a heated blanket or pillow.
Listening to music or engaging in a hobby you enjoy
Physical activity: A good 30-minute workout, whether it’s cardio or strength training, releases dopamine and helps us regulate our moods. You might not feel like it, but you might need to motivate yourself with self-talk. We never regret a workout, but we do regret a missed workout! Think about how proud you’ll feel after you successfully choose a workout instead of junk food!
3. Overworking to Avoid Personal Issues
Boy, does this one come up a lot with my clients! So many of us have trained ourselves to be extraordinarily busy and hardworking because the rewards that come with achievement feel so good. However, many people’s identities are wrapped up in their career because it's an objective pathway toward achieving results.
Sitting with our feelings, let alone talking about our feelings and addressing relationship difficulties does NOT feel like a pathway forward. And yet, that is exactly what needs to happen in order for us to fix the problems in our lives. We have to sit with our thoughts and feelings, and simply accept them as they are in order to figure out what they are trying to communicate with us.
For example, if we’re unhappy in our marriage, but we continue to brush it under the rug, and distract ourselves with work, we never address the problem. Eventually we find that we’ve grown so far apart from our partner that we cannot possibly see how the relationship can continue forward.
The first step is noticing this tendency within us. Then, course-correct as soon as possible with a healthier way of acknowledging and working on our personal issues.
Some alternative coping examples:
Setting boundaries for work hours and dedicating time to self-care activities, such as journaling, seeking therapy, or engaging in relaxation techniques.
Think about other aspects of life that you care about in addition to your career such as family, friends, hobbies, sports, learning, nature, personal development, etc. Consider replacing some of the extra time you spend working with one of these activities. Remember, the best work doesn’t come when we force it. We have to take good care of ourselves in order to truly produce and function at our best!
If the personal issue you’re avoiding is with your partner, try making designated time weekly for date night. You don’t have to talk things through right away - just start dating your partner again. Remember what you did together when you first started dating? You probably asked each other a ton of questions, dreamed about future goals and plans, made time for a lot of fun activities together, and most of all made each other a priority. Start doing that today and see where it takes your relationship. You still might eventually find you need couples therapy and that’s okay. You wouldn’t have known that if you didn’t try working on it.
4. Ruminating on Negative Thoughts
Overthinking is an attempt to cope with our uncomfortable feelings. We overthink to come to a solution that will eliminate past mistakes, alleviate worries about the future, and motivate ourselves to do better. However, shaming ourselves and trying to plan ahead for every possible threat does not actually help us face the uncomfortable feelings any better.
Here are some examples and what to do instead:
Vague worrying (e.g., “What if something really bad happens?”) can lead you down an unhelpful rabbit hole. Instead, dig a little deeper. What’s the worst possible outcome you’re worried about happening? Is it about becoming seriously ill? Or is it about you not being able to survive the event? Getting specific about your worries can help you to take action and develop a plan. Once you begin to accept your concern, address it, and make a plan for it, most of the anxiety disappears.
Negative self-talk (e.g., “I’m such an idiot. I should have known XYZ” or “I should have been able to do better than that.”) is rarely helpful. Using negative self-talk only leaves you feeling ashamed and stuck in guilt. Acknowledging what you want to do differently next time and accepting that you did the best you could in that moment creates resilience and the capacity to continue pushing forward productively. Negative self-talk keeps us stuck. Try being a little kinder and less critical of yourself. Think about how you would speak to a child and use those same gentle, encouraging words toward yourself.
By identifying and replacing these unfulfilling coping behaviors with more meaningful activities, you can start to think a little more clearly in your daily life. Acknowledging your feelings as they are instead of avoiding them and trying to distract from them actually prevents us from getting stuck in undesirable behavior patterns because it allows us to reflect on what we need instead of ignoring our needs. Feelings can be uncomfortable, but the way we cope with them makes all of the difference. After all, they are just messengers of communication that tell us about our needs - a gift only human beings have!
Our guest blogger:
Samantha Stefaniak is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in New York State and the founder of The Mindful Coping Collective. Her mission is to transform her counseling knowledge and strategies into self-help tools and resources anyone can use to improve their mental wellbeing.
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