8 Tips to Care for Yourself when Caring for Others – Part 1
I’ve lost track of the number of times in recent weeks that my conversations have turned to caregiving. And it’s not me bringing that topic up.
Perhaps it’s my age, and the age of many of my friends, clients, and contacts, or the fact that the Baby Boomers are moving into a phase of life where many need additional care. Whatever the reason, it’s clear to me that it’s a significant challenge, and it’s something that many of us are navigating.
November is National Family Caregivers Month, a time to honor the service that family caregivers provide for their loved ones. Family caregivers is a broad category, and this term can apply to many different people in different circumstances: those who support aging parents, partners who care for ill spouses, or anyone who assists with a loved one’s disability or health challenges.
I know the challenges of family caregiving all too well. I was an “assistant caregiver” for my dad while he lived with Alzheimer’s. My mom was his primary caregiver, and she certainly shouldered the load of those responsibilities. I helped from time to time, but I witnessed the selfless love, dedication, and attention it took – and the exhaustion and stress that could result.
I stepped in again as part of the caregiving team for my great-aunt a few years ago. My role was often more in “management” – hiring, scheduling, and coordinating paid caregivers to provide 24/7 home health care for her in her final two years – but when needed, I filled in open shifts as a hands-on caregiver.
As I reflect on my own experiences, listen to my friends and clients, and consider the tools I use as a coach, I thought it might be helpful for me to synthesize that collected wisdom into 8 tips for taking care of yourself – all while caring for someone you love.
Because one thing that has become crystal clear to me is: When serving as a caregiver, it is essential to have strategies for your own self-care. This may sometimes feel “easier said than done,” and we may have to work through some feelings of guilt or concerns that we’re being selfish. But it’s important internal work to do, because – as the saying goes – “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
A Note about Self-Care
Self-care isn’t selfish. Self-care is replenishing and restoring your energy so that you can serve others more fully and offer the best of who you were created to be.
Self-care comes in different forms and can address all elements of who we are: physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual. Self-care preferences are unique for each person, because each person’s core needs, values, and strengths are different. What’s important is to find the self-care strategies that truly replenish and restore you, not follow someone else’s prescriptions.
The tips I’m offering here are designed to help you figure out the specific strategies that might work best for you. Many of these tips are designed to help you do some “inside work” that can enhance how you show up for others “on the outside.”
8 Tips for Caregivers – Part 1
This week, I’ll get you started with the first four tips that can help you sustain yourself while caring for a family member. Family caregiving can be heavy stuff, so let’s just break this into manageable pieces, shall we? I’ll be back next week with the rest.
1. Honor your own needs.
Each of us has been created as a human with unique needs. Having needs is neither good nor bad, and our needs are neither right nor wrong. Needs are neutral, and having needs is part of being human. Welcome to the club.
Yes, the person you’re caring for has definite needs that you are called to address. You have needs too. It’s true that sometimes our own needs have to take a back seat while we’re tending to others’ needs. But they can’t always take a back seat or be ignored.
Unmet needs will show up. Just watch a hungry or tired toddler. We think we’re different since we’re older and more mature. But we’re not that different. When our needs go unmet, especially for a longer period of time, we’ll act out. It might not look like a tantrum on the floor, but it will show up in our thoughts, feelings, and behavior. We’ll suffer. And when we ignore our own needs, we usually aren’t providing the best care we can for those we love.
If it’s been a while since you really took an honest look at your needs (or if you never really have), email me and I’ll send you a free Needs & Values Assessment. It won’t take you too much time or add stress to your life, but it will help you identify the core things you must have to feel safe, grounded, and satisfied in life.
2. Play to your strengths.
It’s true that often when we’re caregiving, we don’t have a choice of what responsibilities we’re willing to take. I reminded myself many times, “Put on your big girl pants, and do what’s in front of you.”
But while we can’t always choose what we are doing, we can be intentional about how we are doing it.
Our strengths help us figure out how to approach certain tasks and responsibilities – in life, in work, in hobbies, and in our families… so why not in caregiving too? When you think about the things you need to do as a caregiver, consider your top talents. How might you adjust what you’re doing to better utilize and leverage those talents?
For example, I don’t have a naturally high talent for Empathy®. So I didn’t naturally sense my great-aunt’s emotions and respond from that understanding. I didn’t beat myself up about that. Instead, I leaned into my Belief® talent that fuels me with natural altruism and dedication to family, and my Individualization® talent that makes me curious about how each person is unique.
When faced with a vexing challenge about caregiving, I called upon Input® to help me research options and Strategic® to help me identify options and choose a path forward.
If one of your gifts is a great sense of humor, use that to your advantage in caregiving. If you’re a talented organizer, put that to good use by keeping the medications and supplies organized. If you’re naturally positive and optimistic, use that to approach your responsibilities with lightheartedness.
3. Name your focus.
In my coaching work, I frequently encourage clients to name their top priorities and then to clarify those priorities by writing a short statement that describes either how they want to show up in that area of their life or what they want to accomplish in a certain time period. I instruct them to write these statements in the present tense (e.g. “I am,” not “I will”) and with a future perspective.
This was immeasurably helpful to me when I was caring for my great-aunt. During that time, I was also serving as power-of-attorney (and later co-executrix of the estate) for a second relative. At times, managing things for these two different relatives could feel like a heavy responsibility. At other times, it was downright confusing and frustrating.
My focus statement always helped me catch my breath and re-engage: “I honor others’ lives and trust by fulfilling my duties with integrity, calmness, and attentiveness.”
That statement connected me to my values and my strengths and reminded me of the why (or purpose) behind the work. Writing a focus statement can help clear some fog when caregiving gets hard.
4. Take mini-breaks.
It’s important to take small breaks to refresh yourself. Each person’s situation is different, so you’ll have to define how long “mini-breaks” can be and should be for you.
It may only be five minutes in another room or outside to take some deep breaths. It may be 30 minutes for exercise or 15 minutes for a hot bath or shower. Maybe a mini-break for you needs to be a few hours away from your loved one. No guilt, no shame, no blame, no judgment. As I mentioned earlier, caring for our own needs is essential to compassionate caregiving.
What you do during those breaks is up to you – but I encourage you to consider your needs and strengths and think about what kind of self-care would refuel you. Consider your physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual well-being, and figure out what part(s) of you most needs to be tended to.
Setting boundaries can be hard, but consider this: boundaries are typically what protect us from harm. (Think of a railing at a high precipice.) Creating some boundaries that allow you to take breaks prevents harm to you and your loved one.
What do you think?
If you’re one of the many family caregivers out there, first, know that you are seen. You are supported. You are brave and heroic – even though you likely don’t feel like it.
Second, I’d love to know what you think of these tips.
Of these first four suggestions, which one did you most need to hear?
What action step – even a small one – might you take toward self-care?
And what tips would you add?
I’ve got four more in the hopper, waiting to come your way next week. But who knows, with your suggestions, maybe next week’s blog includes more than those four!
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